Have you ever heard of dad guilt?
Me neither!
It’s because dad guilt doesn’t really exist. I don’t say fathers don’t worry about hurting and ruining their children. They just don’t overthink or talk about it all the time. They’re more like, “Yeah, I feel bad… But they’ll get over it. I got over it, too!”
On the other hand, women often set an impossible standard to be a perfect mother. And trying to achieve that, we’re inevitably swaying from being afraid of ruining our children to feeling guilty over pursuing our own dreams and ideals.
So, the question is, How to cope with mom guilt? If everything can be used as a tool or as a weapon, is guilt an exception? Can it ever be a good thing? Is it even possible to get over mom guilt?
Let me assure you that YES, it’s possible!
Tune in for this episode and find out what happens when you weaponize mom guilt instead of using it as a tool to help you learn and grow, how to fully lay down mom guilt, and why you’ll hurt your kids for sure.
Let’s dive in!
You’ll Mess up Your Kids for Sure
Even before I had kids, I remember I vowed I would do it better than my parents. I’m pretty sure this resonates with most of you who have children. I told myself I was never going to be the reason my kids were in therapy because I would not hurt or ruin them… as my parents ruined me.
(Just a disclaimer: I’m not throwing anybody under the bus. My parents did the best they could. They were not horrible – they were just flawed parents.)
I’m not talking about the abusive, terrible things parents can do to their children. What I’m going into here is the hurt and the pain we cause to our children because we’re imperfect human beings.
So in my mission to be a great mom who would never hurt her kids, I was often seeking validation from my husband, my friends, even my children. And one friend of mine told me something that was actually quite profound in its simplicity. It was just pure observation, with no judgment:
“Oh, you’re gonna hurt your children. Because you’re human and you’re flawed. We don’t mean to hurt our kids – but we inevitably do that, because we’re not perfect.”
As simple as that!
And it was a really amazing moment of liberation, where I felt myself loosening the impossible standard that I had put on myself about being a perfect mother.
What Have I Done?!
We generally feel mom guilt in two ways. We’re afraid of ruining our children and we have guilt over pursuing our own dreams (We think we’re selfish because we’re abandoning our children).
Women tend to go into a really dark spiral with mom guilt. I would spend entire nights with my girlfriends just talking about mom guilt.
- What have I done?
- How could I have gone crazy when they (did something wrong)?
- How can I spend time away from them?
- I shouldn’t have gone out with the girls.
- How could I be so selfish!?
- How can I make it up to my kids?
Seems familiar?
It’s because this version of mom guilt is running a subconscious program of not being good enough. Although all people run this program to one extent or another, women do that really deeply with pretty much everything.
Enoughness Is Never on the Table
If you’ve followed me for some time, you know that everything, including guilt, can be used as a tool, or as a weapon.
When we weaponize mom guilt, it shows up as a feeling of deserving blame and self-reproach. It causes us to feel that we’re not enough, that we’re not worthy, and we’re not deserving. To stop this, we need to start mentally owning and claiming that we already are enough.
You’re already good enough, worthy enough, deserving enough to live the life that you desire and to be a powerful mother. There’s nothing you have to do to be enough – you already came that way! And you’ll continue to be that way! (Check out the episode on enoughness.)
I’m not saying we shouldn’t skill up in our parenting or aspire to reach our big goals and dreams. But as far as our value is concerned, enoughness is intrinsic. It’s never ever on the table!
Of course, this takes practice.
But when you claim you’re deserving to chase your dreams although you’re a mother, you model something so empowering to your children, especially to your daughters. You show them that you have your own identity separate from your children, which you can still honor while also honoring your sacred role as a mother.
As you do this, you show them that you also need time for yourself and that your goals and your dreams are also worth pursuing. It’s such a beautiful example of, Yes, I’m a mother. I’m a wife. But I’m also a woman and a person.
Good Guys Regret & Remorse
If used as a tool, guilt shows up as regret or remorse for wrongdoing. You probably think that regret and remorse are not much better than self-reproach and ask yourself if this tool/weapon theory can be applied to guilt at all.
Don’t worry, Prosperity Seeker – the principle always works!
Regret and remorse can be very powerful tools to help you be responsible for any mistake you’ve made, correct it, move forward, and grow from it.
So instead of setting up an impossible standard to live life with no regrets (as many people do… ending up disappointed and hurt), make a goal to learn from regrets, to quickly change course when needed, and to move forward as a better person.
When it comes to mom guilt, regret and remorse help us to take responsibility for our role in any sort of painful situation with our children.
Too often moms take 100% responsibility for the whole situation, although maybe it’s only 5% theirs and the rest is their kids’. That’s because women have been taught to take responsibility for every other person’s emotions and feelings.
If we want to allow regret and remorse to teach us and help us move forward, we need to take 100% responsibility for our part in the situation and show up for that, which looks like an apology.
Apologize and Move Forward
Sometimes, it can be tough to apologize to our children because a part of us doesn’t want them to know that we’re flawed. But try this: Come to your child, after you’ve all calmed down and say: “Hey, you know what, I didn’t handle that very well. I apologize. Please forgive me.”
It actually skyrockets their respect for you in that situation!
Now, here’s the key to letting this really be a tool: Move forward from it. Don’t keep going back and apologizing or replaying that situation over and over in your mind. Don’t make guilt a beat-up stick to whack yourself on the head.
You’ve taken responsibility and apologized. Whether your child accepts your apology has nothing to do with you. In your mind, it gets to be over!
Dear moms,
- Yes, you’re going to make mistakes.
- Yes, you’re going to mess up.
- Yes, you’re going to hurt others as you go.
But when you feel regret, and remorse for your wrongdoing, you can rectify the situation really, really fast and move forward together with everyone feeling honored.
Isn’t that great? Like no room for mom guilt whatsoever!
If you want some extra help to learn how to cope with guilt and many other inner game strategies that bring next level of success, join us for the next online workshop: http://prosperityapproach.com/challenge
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