The Prosperity Approach is all about dealing with confrontations on a much higher and more effective level. Just like so many of you, I used to avoid conflict. I was a notorious people-pleaser. And although I thought that approach was keeping the peace in my relationships, it actually bred resentment.
In this episode, I want to give you the courage to have all those hard conversations. Being open and honest can do nothing but improve your relationships. It’s amazing how these “awkward” confrontations are actually key to establishing healthy boundaries. And if you do it with the Prosperity Approach, you don’t have to be afraid of sounding angry or offensive to others!
I Am a Recovering People-Pleaser!
Ever since I was a little girl, I have been the peacemaker of the family. I’m sure many of you would also say you’re people-pleasers, but what I realized is that this is not such a great thing. It’s mostly based on the fear of confrontations.
It’s easier to stay silent than it is to have difficult conversations that could turn into a screaming match. People choose to avoid conflict altogether, but what we forget is that these hard conversations help us set healthy boundaries in relationships.
Set up Healthy Boundaries
We teach people how to treat us. By demonstrating what we are willing to cope with from others, we indirectly teach them how they can treat us. Whatever you’re experiencing in your relationships is what you’re available for.
If it upsets you, hurts you, or confuses you, then it’s a sign you need to change some rules and make a move for it to never happen again. It’s a state of self-awareness that you need to establish for yourself. Will you keep coping with it? Will you keep allowing it? It’s all a matter of choice.
Make your decision and state clearly what you’re available for in your relationships.
Be Open to Hard Conversations
This may not sound very favorable to those who are still in their peacekeeper modes, but this is the plain truth: The only way to set up boundaries is through…
Conversations.
Yikes, I know.
Believe me, I hated the idea, too. As a recovering peacemaker, conversations still meant conflict or trouble. I didn’t want that at all.
But by rejecting the idea of conversations, I gave no chance for myself to really express how I felt towards something. I was not liking that either.
I was unconsciously remaining in what I thought was a safe refuge or a “no conflict zone”, but I was actually shackled by a very heavy feeling of suppression and constant fear of being hurt and hurting others. There’s no conflict, but there sure is no resolution either.
Fear Is Your Highest Wall
This “wall” definitely needs some major demolition.
My favorite definition of fear is anticipation of pain. In fact, the main reason why I fear talking to others about issues is because I anticipate conflict, and therefore more pain. I fear the idea of hurting others by expressing how I truly feel.
We fear that talking will only trigger what could have been left alone to dissipate on its own in the future. We fear things will get awkward in the next few days. So, we keep silent, but let me tell you, that is not what the Prosperity Approach is all about.
An empowered person will confront whatever is going on.
“I Need to Talk to You”
Now. isn’t that the most dreadful intro you can ever hear? When someone approaches us for a talk, we immediately infer that there’s something wrong going on. It’s like a six-word synonym for “trouble”.
Because this is so, we also developed the same interpretation when we need to talk to others. We don’t want to talk to others, let alone by beginning with the famous “We need to talk” line because we have labeled this as an intro for conflict.
But what if we actually used confrontations to resolve issues? That is the goal here – conversations that are meant to heal and resolve, not to worsen things.
When you finally gather the courage to ask someone to talk to you, you need to let go of the fear and focus on the wonderful possibility of resolving the issue.
Hard Conversations Are Very Powerful
Healthy relationships require conversations. Sometimes, these conversations are difficult. People call it “upsetting the apple cart”. What we have been ignoring is the fact that the apple cart needs to be upset sometimes.
I experienced this myself with my best friend who barely had time for me when I just kept chasing her for quality time. As I said, I am never confrontational, let alone with the people I love so much. It gradually hurt me when she kept passing on planned dates because of something unexpected coming up.
When I talked to her about how I felt, my voice couldn’t even come out. It was such an overwhelming sensation that I had to whisper the things I needed to say. She stood there, bewildered at the sight of me confronting her, but very receptive as it was so clear that I put in a lot of effort in this.
This conversation required courage but it was also so liberating to speak my truth.
And had I chosen to stay silent, I never would have pushed our relationship to the next level and I would have never given myself a chance to have the peace of mind I deserved.
It’s Time to Start Talking Again
Conversations are meant to resolve and not to create more conflict. Always seek clarity, without anger.
It’s a more upscale kind of communication, and I do understand that this is not an easy thing to master! I’m learning as I go, just like you.
Additional resources
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