My mom committed suicide 28 years ago today. I’ll bet you weren’t expecting that to come across your screen today, were you? It’s true, though. When I was 11 years old, my mom decided enough was enough, that she couldn’t battle the depression that had raged in her for years for another day, and took bottle after bottle of painkillers and muscle relaxers, then drove herself up a canyon by our home and went for a swim in the canyon river.
I remember a year or so before she died, in my 9 year old child’s brain, thinking that if either of my parents were to die, that I would spend the rest of my life crying on my bed. Time would stop. I’d never age. I’d just cry for the rest of my life. Sitting alone on my bed.
Well, I’ve certainly done my share of crying, but thankfully time didn’t stop. I DID age, and I got out of bed.
As a child left behind by the suicide of a parent, I had firsthand knowledge of the devastation her death caused. And I’ve been able to help other mothers contemplating suicide see their actions from a child’s perspective, stopping them from carrying out those tendencies. Because no matter how sick my mom was, I would have rather had her living than dead.
I know Mom thought she was doing us all a favor; she said as much in her suicide note found in the car. But her death did far more damage than she could ever realize.
28 years later, my father and my sister still refuse to even mention her name.
28 years later, anything surrounding my mom is a taboo subject
28 years later, I still mourn losing her, only the hurt is different because I mourn what SHE lost: the chance to see me grow up, get married, love on the 4 grandchildren I gave her. I miss the comraderie we surely would have shared as women, as well as mother and daughter.
28 years later, I see within my own family what happens when you won’t let go of the energy of your old story.
Lest you misunderstand, I certainly had to go through the forgiveness process with her. (I remember burning pictures of her–that my dad supplied me with–because I was so angry I wanted her burning in hell.) But once I finally forgave her –in college, mind you– I was left with such peace and serenity that I wondered why I had taken so long to forgive her in the first place.
You can’t move forward when you’re constantly looking back. Forgiveness has very little to do with the other person, and everything to do with where you choose to vibrate. Are you going to stay in the lower vibrations of anger, frustration, victimhood and blame, or let go and turn the whole thing over to God, choosing instead to focus on the higher vibrations of joy and expansion and MIRACLES!
I think my mom’s death played a part in me becoming a creator of miracles. If I can rise above the false beliefs that her death cemented in me (If I were a better daughter she would have stuck around, I’m not good enough for even my own mother to want to watch grow up, no matter what I do it’s never enough, I don’t matter…), you can rise above your limiting, false beliefs as well!
It’s why I created Miracle Academy.
Because God wants us to be happy, soaring, creative children while we’re here! And there is a practical, applicable way to create miracles every single day. It’s much simpler than you think. And it’s a ton of fun!
If you’re ready to let go of your old story once and for all but aren’t quite sure you can do it (or maybe even HOW), CLICK HERE TO TALK TO ME. I’ll help you clear the icky energy so you can rise into the higher vibrations that are yours for the having. And I’ll share with you a plan to consistently stay in that vibration to create whatever miracle you want in your life.
Because no matter what your mother, father, best friend, siblings or the world has inadvertently (or advertently–is that even a word?) taught you, you are worth it.
And it’s your turn. Book a free Miracle Call with me at https://allysonchavez.com/miraclecall
P.S. I have a firm knowledge that we live after this life. I feel my mom with me from time to time, and I know she’s made restitution for taking her own life. I know her death had nothing to do with me, and that she’s one of my angels, helping me on that side more effectively than she could on this side. And I sure do love her!
Interesting story — I would have never guessed. Sorry about your mom …. my mom is 85, I have much to be thankful for.
Thank you for sharing this!
The miracle at this point in my life would be to have a happy, healthy, faithful marriage since I haven’t been married in 38 years. Thanks.
Thank you for sharing your story. Suicide is not an easy thing to move on from. It truly is inspirational.
Big hug, Allyson xx
Allyson, I am still expecting a miracle of money showing up in my life so I can work with you more exrensively. This story of your mother really touched me, although my childhood loss was of losing a 12 year old brother when I was 7. And I do believe in miracles and have the same beliefs that my loved ones are supporting me as angels in the unseen spiritual world. Thanks for sharing this very personal message! Michele
Thank You so much Allyson ,for sharing this. Blessings to You!
What a blessing to still have your mom! I can tell you cherish her. Thanks so much for your sympathies.
You’re welcome, Melanie. Hope it helped a little!
Hi Desiree. I’d love to chat with you to see how you can make that miracle your reality, because I know you can. Let me know if you’d like to talk. In fact, you can even schedule it at https://allysonchavez.com. Just click on the tab on the bottom RH corner and it will bring up my scheduler. I’m here for you!
Oh, thanks so much, Misty. It was definitely in my Top 5 Hard Things to Live Through! Okay, it took the #1 spot, in fact. But wow, I learned so much from it and continue to learn from it. I appreciate your comment.
Big hug back to you, E!
Hi Michele! Thanks so much for your comment. Let’s hop on the phone again and talk logistics for your money miracle to happen so we can manifest the really FUN ones! You know, losing a family member strikes right in our heart, no matter which one we lose and no matter our age. I have no doubt you’ve had a lot of grief around losing your brother. Isn’t it heartwarming to know that your brother is one of your angels? He’s got your back! Love to you!
Thanks Judy. I sure hope it helped! Blessings right back atcha!
“I have a firm knowledge that we live after this life. I feel my mom with me from time to time, and I know she’s made restitution for taking her own life. I know her death had nothing to do with me, and that she’s one of my angels, helping me on that side more effectively than she could on this side. And I sure do love her!”
– This took my breath away and brought me to tears. I lost my father 5 years ago. I remember thinking when he passed how he would never be able to help me solve a problem with building/creating/using tools like he so often had in the past. I had an otherworldly moment a few months after his passing where I was so frustrated and I didn’t know what to do with one of my projects. I didn’t know the right tool to use for the job and I said “I need help”. I was so defeated and in tears. What happened next made me realize that my dad would alway be there for me.
Having you say that you feel your mother with you from time to time really validates what I have felt and experienced. The Universe absolutely amazes me.
I’m sorry for your loss and I’m very grateful that you shared your story.
Hi Rachelle,
Thank you so much for your sweet comment. I’m so sorry about your dad. The pain of that grief is physical at times, isn’t it? But what a beautiful experience you were able to have with your dad in the months after his death, and even though I don’t know the particulars of it, I can very confidently say that he was there helping and guiding you. He still lives! He’s still your dad! And he still loves you so much and wants to see you succeed.
I’m so happy that my story could be a second witness for you that your dad is alive and well, so to speak. Our family members are very interested in what we’re doing down here on earth, and concerned for our happiness and welfare. I know you’ll see your dad again someday. That knowledge has brought me so much comfort concerning my mom. But until that day when I get to hug her again, I talk to her and tell her I love her and sometimes I even tell her how angry I feel that she’s not here physically. And I know she hears me and feels bad that she can’t be here to experience my family with me.
God and the universe are beyond amazing! So many miracles here, so much love and joy and even sorrow to experience. But it doesn’t end here, Rachelle. We continue to live in spirit after we die. And we can be with our family and loved ones in that realm. I absolutely know that.
Sending you so much love right now! If you’d ever like to continue this conversation over email or even hop on the phone, I’d love to do that. Thanks for reaching out. Make miracles today!
I read of the loss of your mother. Thank you for sharing that personal story. I will be sharing your story with those who need to know the damage to those left behind. It is always amazing how the difficult scenarios of our life can be a stepping stone to our foreordained mission. Surely your loss and deep grief, and even anger, has been a catalyst, leading you on the path of learning and applying those principles that have enabled you to be free and to teach others. I sense your soul.. It shines. In gratitude Lynne
my mother didn’t fight for her life when she became very ill and in my eyes her lack of incentive to at least try to remain part of the family was a form of suicide. yes when illness is grave depression takes hold and hope is out the window but many rise above it for different reasons including love for their family. I’ve had my anger and forgiving hurdles to surpass especially that my own health was already chronically challenged when she chose the exit door. I could not curb my anger because I felt (at the time), she abandoned me though I never transferred any of my hardship to her. But two years after her passing I have no gripe in my heart and after taking a number of healing paths I’m at peace with her and understand her helplessness. I want her happy and at ease in her new dimension.
and chose the exit door.
Hi Lynne,
Thank you so much for such kind words. And yes, all of it–even the anger–has led me along the path of learning and growth, and it has been such a blessing as I’ve been able to help at least one other person stop herself from suicide, as I told her of my experience with the fallout. And if I can save one other mother from leaving her children behind, my pain was worth it.
Thank you, Lynne. I so much enjoyed spending time with you last week and look forward to feeling more of your shining spirit in the future! Love to you!
Hi Shadi,
Thank you so much for sharing your painful experience here. Yes, there is also emotional suicide and it causes so much pain to those closest to the situation. I’m so thankful you came to peace after only two years. What a blessing! And your forgiveness certainly helps her move forward in her progression as well. Thank you again for sharing part of your journey with us. You’ll be able to help and heal many others as you share your story and triumph. Love to you!
Can one have a miracle of dying without having to commit suicide? My little girl was taken from me when she was six. I then wanted to die and attempted suicide. It was a very closed call. For two years I pretended to be fine, but thought of dying constantly. I would pray at night not to wake up, then I’d cry when in the morning. Never attempted again because I was afraid of failing again. I was lucky I didn’t end up with brain damage the first time. Then I learn to let go of my daughter. I learnt to live my life without her. I held a symbolic funeral the day I packed her dolls and her belongings away. I learned to enjoy life again. Then out of the blue, her father let her establish contact with me, I slowly started to dream if having a relationship with me, although I was emotionally cautious, I would day dream of her moving in with me when she turns 16. I started to daydream of us shopping and having that wonderful comradiere as women and as a mother and daughter, like when she was little, she is 13 now. Then it was time for us to meet, and I saw her or should I say him. My baby girls is a boy now and I’m heart broken. I feel they took her away from me forever this time. I cannot get over this, I lost my baby girl forever. I know is not her fault, she is what she is. But In the bottom of my heart I lived just for the moment she came back to me, and now I know for sure she won’t. I would not attempt dioxide again, but I no longer have a hope to live for. I feel God has played a nasty joke on me, I feel nature is making fun of me. I feel God hates me, and I no longer want to wake up tomorrow. I would have been much happier hoping for my daughter to come back to me. This boy has taking the only reason I had to live for, that I would’ve with my daughter some day, if not in this life then in heaven. I feel this kid has killed my daughter and now he wants me to love him.
Dear Rocio,
I’m so sorry to hear of your pain upon losing your daughter–twice. It’s been my experience that God and nature do not play nasty tricks on us, even when it feels otherwise. Everyone has free will, and sometimes that free will is very painful to experience, especially when those we love make choices that break our hearts. I would suggest finding a grief counselor who can help you through this tender time, and help you reignite that desire to live. Sending you love as well!