When I was 11 my mom committed suicide.
When I was 14 my dad remarried a woman who wasn’t thrilled with the idea of taking on 6 undisciplined kids, ranging in age from 16 to 5 year old twins, especially when her youngest was 12.
From then until now I’ve experienced the feeling of not being “picked” by my parents, especially my dad, over and over again. (The red headed stepchild joke is a real thing, though I LOVE being a redhead!)
From the belief that I wasn’t a big enough reason for my own mother to want to live, or lovable enough for my dad to want to be involved in my life, grew a strong desire to be liked, to keep the peace, and to keep everyone happy no matter what. Not to mention don’t EVER rock the boat, and don’t be a burden.
Then grew patterns of “chasing” so that my needs would be met. This happened in every area of my life: in my direct selling business when I’d cancel my own plans to accommodate a host who wanted a show on a particular day, to feeling torn between helping out my brothers or spending time with my husband, knowing that someone wouldn’t be happy no matter what I chose (and that was my fault), to calling my dad to “schedule an appointment” to visit him and my stepmom, because he could never guarantee they’d be home on a Sunday evening for us.
Have you ever emotionally pretzeled yourself in an attempt to make everyone around you happy? Isn’t it exhausting?
Over the years as I’ve grown in maturity and in my own value, I stopped calling my dad every week to see if we could come visit, learned how to say no if my schedule couldn’t fit in another thing, and stopped chasing girlfriends for get togethers. I realized that for relationships to be healthy there needed to be an equal energetic exchange: I couldn’t want it more than they did.
The toughest rejection to process has been where my dad is concerned. Especially since I have 4 children, the way that my stepmom’s children and grandchildren are doted on can be particularly painful when that same attention or even interest isn’t extended to my kids.
I was talking to a friend about handling the rejection, trying to find the meaning in it where I wasn’t giving my power away, when she said, “Rejection is protection, you know.”
What? This rejection from my own parents is actually protection? In what way?
She explained that my parents couldn’t hold the same vibration I did, and frequencies must match for harmony to be felt. By holding my higher vibration and being around them less and less, it allowed me the freedom and safety to actually shine brighter and be more comfortable being authentically me.
Allow me to stress that this does not mean I think I’m better than my parents, or above them. I’m creating a different experience than they are, and right now they can’t share in it with me because they’re not comfortable in those higher vibrations. And that’s all right. I can still love them and accept them where they are, but not require myself to lower my vibration in order to be around them and make them feel comfortable, which I did for years.
Dimming your own light so others don’t feel threatened is draining and deflating. And it serves no one.
That conversation brought so much closure to me, and a lot of healing. It has helped me be able to bless and release them and myself from any obligation of a relationship, without giving away my power and feeling less than or tossed aside. This has been 29 years coming…and it was worth the wait!
If you’re being rejected by a friend, family member, co-worker, boss, spouse, whomever, it could very well be for your protection. Your vibrations aren’t a match at this time, and their “rejection” simply means you no longer have to compromise energetically to get along. You are free to shine your light bright. What a relief!
So, find the true meaning behind rejection you might be dealing with right now. And you’ll know you’ve found it by the way your heart swells and the burden that’s lifted from your shoulders.
I can see myself on that, in a different way but see it. My father died when I was 13 from ALS and was sick for 3 years and he was my rock. when he died I had to become the adult at home, do whatever I wanted and my mother only remember had a daughther when I had around 16. But when he died I put in my head that I had to take care of her and that was worst for me and all my life because we don’t resonate with eachother and after 30 years is still difficult for her to see me as I am, but I’m starting to heal the process and larn that I need to let her go more from my life and follow my dreams and finnally live my own life and feel free and really happy
Thank you very much -I have felt betrayed and abandoned and rejected by both parents-and have felt the lack of love and parenting that i know God would have wanted me to have – and have struggled to know why i was placed in that family by God and this gives me a different perspective. I am absolutely nothing like either of them- yet am part of them both. God makes no mistakes and I have searched my entire life for the love i have always felt I deserved and have yet to find it-I love myself and that is enough for right now is my understanding.
Allyson that is so true to go to others level (decrease) let you be weaker. I experience it by growing out of the relationship with my wife. Growing out – as person I had grown and she is not open for personal growth. That hold me back on my purpose what the Creator of the universe (God) had for me. At the end of the day I had learned a lot. Somewhere there must be draw a line. As human being we will give account on what we have done on earth to Jesus Christ. When you as person know your purpose in life and don’t do it you will take the out come for that.
Great post Allyson, thanks for sharing. I enjoy your writing – lots of vibrancy, authenticity and life experience, learnings/wisdoms shine through. All the best to you.
Hi Maria! I’m so glad that you are recognizing this for yourself and taking action to heal and have that burden lifted from your shoulders. I’m so excited for you to start living YOUR own life and following YOUR own dreams! Let your light shine bright!
This is such a beautiful insight, Phyllis. And I agree with you: the love you have for yourself, and God’s love for you, is enough. Let that ring true, and you’ll be surprised and delightful by the love you will attract because you no longer “need” it. Thank you so much for your comments. Sending YOU lots of love right now too!
I agree with you, Pieter. And there comes a time when we just can’t ignore that inner voice pulling us anymore, and have to take that leap of faith that if the ones we love don’t follow us in those higher thoughts and vibrations, that it will all work out for everyone’s highest good. We will give an accounting for our time spent here on earth, and I want to answer strong and bright that I fulfilled my mission and purpose here, just as you do.
Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful words! Much love to you!!
Wow. I’ve been chasing people my whole life for attention, to feel loved and accepted. It’s absolutely exhausting. You’re right. It’s hard though when you see the beauty in someone and offer unconditional love and they push you away. Why wouldn’t everyone want to be loved unconditionally? But yes you can’t want it more than them. It creates an imbalance. Working on drawing to myself people that are an energetic match where we can share harmonious reciprocal emotional depths. And mutual unconditional love and devotion. Thank you.
Yes, at times it can be confusing why people aren’t open to that unconditional love. However, I’ve found that the reason has nothing to do with you, and is only about their own beliefs and experiences. Good for you, the work you’re doing to honor where you are and to share that experience with others that are a vibrational match! Thank you so much for sharing.